Live Love Laugh

Sunday

The lowest point of my life.

A topic that has not been on my lips a lot is how I dealt with Binge Eating Disorder. I know majority of the people who hear the words, "eating disorder" think wow this person must be a wacko. People feel as if this is something a person chose for their self, or it's an attention thing and just don't understand it and fail to know that it's a real disease that does exist. It is not inspired by the look you want to achieve and honestly it has nothing to do with the outside of a person but what ever the person is going through on the inside. If you found out someone had cancer, or a the flu, you would feel sympathetic towards that person, but an eating disorder makes people want to laugh at or speak negatively of that person. I don't completely blame the people because i would act the same way if i had not gone through this sickness myself. It was truly the lowest point of my life where i saw no meaning to life. I hated my self, I hated people and hated food but saw some sort of comfort in it. It was like something had taken over me and i had no control over myself anymore. During class at school, the only thing on my mind was food. What i want to eat and when i'll get to eat, I would desperately wait for the lunch bell to ring so i can go eat and even more for school to end, like a normal kid it wasn't just to go home but to stuff my mouth with food. All i wanted was food all day, all i talked about with friends was food, and all i ever wanted to do was eat. I didn't realize it was a problem at that point but then my friends started to jokingly point out how i'm always eating, how i'm always talking about food and what i want to eat next and i did this without noticing on my own. Then came weight gain, feeling useless, not loved, alone and it all made me turn to food for comfort even more. I was very unhappy about the sudden weight gain because i had always been the type of person who cared a lot about her appearance. A lot of people would say well dude just don't eat, it's not that difficult. I said that to myself plenty of times but guess what it was difficult for me and i had no control over what i ate. I had random cravings through out the day and i wouldn't get done with one thing and i'll be thinking about what i want to eat next. At this point i did not want to be seen by people and i tried to cover my body as much as possible. I wore sweaters, my winter coat or baggy shirts all day so people couldn't notice how fat i had gotten. When i was out in public i felt as if people were looking at me and saying look at how ugly that girl is. I would literally feel my body get super hot if i ever had to stand in front of a class or just a group of people. All i wanted to do was curl up in a corner all day with food so no one could see me and the devil(aka food) will comfort me. I got sick of feeling that way and wanted to drop the weight and quit my nasty eating habit. So i started the use of laxactive so all the food will come right out of my body and i wont gain weight, i tried to make myself throw up, i would chew food and then spit it out before i swallowed it. Then i found myself on the end of two extremes. I would go days without eating food or I was binge eating. The starving myself worked well cause the pounds were coming of quick but it didn't last long till i was back to binging and the weight was back in two days. I had gained 20 pounds during this disroder and yes it only took me 2 days to gain atleast 15 pounds back because that is how much i ate. Finally i realized who there was something wrong with me. I was not the same person i used to be. I used to love being in front of people, getting attention, happy, thought of myself as pretty and most of all i used to love myself. That was not the case anymore and i had no control overmyself and was being controlled by some other force. I had herd of anorxia where people are very skinny or bulimia where people remain the same size but just have bad eating and purging habits. After reading online i discovered binge eating disorder and saw how there were many more who were dealing with this problems. I had all the symptoms of BED. Then i did realize how big of a problem it was, it wasn't a coincedence that my mensturation cycle was off, it was because i was harming the inside of my body, also i had no muscle tone left. I did use to work out a lot before but after BED found me, i didn't feel worthy enough to workout so i always had excuses to stay home and eat instead. Now that i knew i had a problem i had my parents make an appointment to go see the doctor for a physical where i told him about my condition because i really couldn't deal with this disease on my own anymore. During the visit my mom refused to leave the doctors office so i couldn't talk to him alone but it was nice that i could come out and admit the problem to her as well. Guess what, it actually wasn't too nice because she did nothing to help me with it. The doctor recomended i get profesional help from a therapist but my parents thought i didn't need it because like most people they think only crazy weird kids need help like that. I also tried mentioning the problem to my brothers once in a while but they didn't take it seriously either. Maybe it was because i never used a real serious tone when i mentioned it to them or maybe because they also didn't think food could actually cause a real problem. This added to me feeling more lonely and alone. I did not want any friends, i didn't want a family especially because they had all left me all alone to battle this problem. Although the only two friends who i had talked to about the problem did care to listen without laughing at it and did ask me how i was doing from time to time unlike my family. My mom made things so much worse. I would tell her how i don't want her to bring certain food in the house because they were what i binged on the most, but she didn't listen. I use to cry and scream and beg her not to bring it but her reply was well i like this food too and i'm getting it not for you but for me. That made me even more angry because for one i was the one who started to bring those food home, she saw me eating it and started to call it her favorite as well after i liked it so much. I didn't understand why she couldn't just get a different type of cereal when there was so many choices to pick from, also she always had to get the icecream that was my favorite flavor, when most people in the house preferred chocolate and she didn't mind that either. So my problem grew and i could go for upto 5 days without eating anything at one point and then not more than 10 minutes a day without eating a thing. Most of the time I went through weeks of Binging and the one day when i could stop and the i continued the nasty habbit of binging. The reason i was on the ends of two extremes was because i couldn't eat in small portions like a normal person. I also tried to chew gum to distract me but it didn't give me the same comfort as food. After cutting of ties with so many friends, sitting around alone at home, hating myself, feeling so guilty after every meal and almost being suicidal i slowly came out from this hell after a Year. I did this all alone on my own and became a little stronger so i could control my mind. I made a few more friends at school and went out with them and hung out with these friends and since i hadn't gone out anywhere the past year for once my parents were being nicer and letting me out a little which helped me want to look better again and feel better. That summer i also took summer school where i was out the house and away from food a little more and i slowly started to come down to a healthy weight and felt good enough to excercise again then slowly i could eat smaller meals and stop myself from eating before i ate till i was sick to my stomach(which i had done for the past year) Then came senior year where at one point i looked the best i ever had, the begining of it was great and i felt the best about myself. My grades were fine unlike the previous year where i couldn't even do school work because of my condition, i loved being the center of attention again and was happy. Although i did get over the big problem till this day i feel as if it never completely left me because i did have certain times where i go back to the old habbit but i still have more control than i did when i was at the peak of that disease. I get very scared thinking what if i go back to that, but god forbid that happens. I don't think i can ever completely get over this issue living here though because there's food all around me and these walls remind me of the bad times but i hope i can go on a healthy life and body for ever soon rather than going on for a few months and then back to being bad. I am still thankful and proud of myself for getting over the big dangerous point because at least i am not that weak anymore.

Most people have herd of anorexia or bulimia as eating disorders but haven't been introduced to BED(Binge Eating Disorder)

Saturday

Clothes for the future

I like these clothes a lot but they're not age appropriate for me just yet.

Friday

New Discovery

I figured out how secure i am with the way I look. There are not too many girls who can say they still look good without makeup but i can. I can easily walk out the house with no makeup on and go around the city in my sweats without feeling bad about myself, and to top it off i still get head spinning to assure me this fact. The bare face look is actually turning out to be my favorite look. Even though as a girl I love makeup and love playing around with it, but I don't need it every time i walk out the door.

Sunday

Let's talk Interior

After my last post on my fashion, this one is going to be about Home Interior. After taking a class in Interior design back in high school, I learned all the different types of schemes there are. The difference, color, shape and lines make. I figured out contemporary/modern design is my favorite and the best color scheme that works for me is accented neutral.
Here is some stuff that I love <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://freshome.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/modern-kitchen.jpg">

Wednesday

I totally love this outfit, but the cuffed in pants won't do for me. When i wear it, i usually throw on more skinnier jeans too.

The skull shirt is what puts me off in this one. I just don't do skulls, so when i rock a outfit like this, the shirt usually does not have a skull, but it's usually plain or just some weird abstract design.

Love this jacket

This style is always nice and classy, but my coat is very different than the girl wearing it. The fabric is a little different therefore it is not as stiff.

Nothing beats nice sweats and a tank.

Not only is this very comfortable but also very much appealing

This dress reminds me of my prom dress a bit. Only my prom dress was black, a lot cheaper than what this one is and the bottom was somewhat different too

This outfit totally gives off the casual but fashionable vibe. Only when i rock the outfit my scarf is not so big.

I just absolutely love white shirts. <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gIDybOhh6rk/R9b3SJfRpxI/AAAAAAAAAAc/o6Oomwz7Nmg/s320/55.bmp">

Even though I have nothing like this, nor would i actually buy this outfit and wear it but it is very simple but unique.

This dress would've been better for the Ice party because the bottom is more lose, which give you more room to move and dance. Unlike the dress i had which was like this but the bottom was not so roomy.

Well this collage has some good stuff, some stuff i have and other that i wouldn't ever be caught with. Top middle and bottom left remind me of something i have. Bottom right is something i might try, cause it's a lot different than what i've ever done. Bottom middle and top right is just not me at all.

So i was so shocked when i say this picture because this is the second celebrity who has the same coat as me. It is always great to catch famous people wearing the stuff you got first. At least i got it before i saw the pictures first lol

I rock this with fats instead and my shirt is different than this shirt too.

Cheryl Cole

Almost have a twin of this outfit

I have something similar but nothing same to this. My jacket is a lot better than the one she is rocking here. My shirt si different as well, with my leather tights.

Do not have this but i would cop that if i actually saw it on a hanger at store

Very casual but eye catching look

I do love the black jackets and the destroyed jeans

No matter how much i try or go a different direction, this look will always be a part of me

Can never get enough of just a polo without layering it with anything

Love it all and have more than half of them. Will probably get the other half soon too

This collage was chosen for the first and last picture

Once again i can never let the look go

My shirt is out instead of being tucked in and has blue stripes to match my blue jacket

The scarf and that style of pants wouldn't do for me.

Like i said before i can't let the look or Abercrombie go but what i hate is shirts with the writing on it. That was a thing of the past after like half way through high school.